November 19, 2008


so like i have not been able to sleep for like a few mo and i dont know why it freaks me out in so many ways.because the last time i was like this i was in a bad relashinship for 6and a half yesrs.
i feel like i am right back to the sleep i was geting then maybe is lucky 1 to 2 hrs of sleep a sucks it is like how do i get back to sleep i toss and trune so much .i wake up up with really bad head pain. now i know i am in a bad one again but it is no were near as bad as the six year one.may be i got to much going on here at home shit i dont know what to do any more.this has got to is making me feel so grumpy.i would not know what to do with more then 6hr of sleep.shit i would be happy with 4hr but i know that ant going to happen. so i am going to go see my dr today lets hope he can help me out i really need some good sleep.may be is i get back on my mes the way ishould be i will be able to sleep.bad suger sucks ass being i am a big girl.but i was thinking that i have not had my pills in so long that it could be why i cant sleep so i hope the dr can have an answer for me soon. this sucks i feel like i am going threw my day in a daze and i got kids that need me to pull my head out my !#* .
it is scary how at time i dont remember half my day at times . i just want it all to end i want to be ok not sick .

November 16, 2008

my husband

well ,

i dont know what to really say.other then how can he act like he does nothing wrong?

i dont get it at times we can get along and then we dont .every marrage has it ups and down but ares seems to have a lot of downs.i want to help him in so many ways but i dont know how to or were to even start.i mean we dont even make love any more and i have to say i think for the most part it is me not him.

i do feel like he had a big part to do with it after he assulted me .but if we were that happy would i have not got over it by now?he has asked me to make some changes and i have tryed.but he has made none .he thinks that if he is nice to me and loving that it will make it right but i dont see it happening.he comes and goes as he wants and hurts the kids and i so much .but i just cant seem to let him go.i want so much to belive he is the man i fel in love with .or was that all just a lie?it might be he lied to his first wife.i mean he never had to lie to me for me to love him i would have loved him just the same.he likes to go to see stipers. just because he says they lesson to him and i dont but shit for what he spends on them he could have made a van payment or got stuff for the house or what ever but no he spent it on them.and not his family.i mean you just dont know how fuckn mad that made me i wanted to hurt him.i have not been no sweet women so dont think it is all him i have sleeped with an other man .and i never should have but my husband made me feel like a fat cow or what he called me.i know i am a big women but shit did he have to go and call me that.and an other thing is that he wants me to stop talking to my friends and yet he wont even tell his he is marred.may be i should just go but going is not as easy as it seems he got mental issues.from being in iraq two the dr told me he would notbe this way if he did not go to iraq.ok a nuff for now